Drumroll Please! 

Drumroll please… the secret is… 

‘The only moral way to treat people, including yourself, is as an end rather than as a means to another end.”

Treat sex and relationships as ends in themselves, rather than means to another end.

To put it in other words, this is the difference between having an experiential interest in sex as opposed to an instrumental interest. Interest in this case refers to your motivation to get involved in sex in the first place: why do you want to have sex?

Most people have learned to have an instrumental interest in life in general. We’re raised to ask ourselves, “what will I get out of this?” or, “how can I use this to my advantage?” Instrumental interest gets things done, but can leave you feeling like something is missing, wondering if this is really what all the hype was about, or if this is really all there is. 

The experiential approach is less common and is at the heart of things like meditation and mindfulness. It reminds you to be present in the moment, here and now, and asks questions like: what will I learn or discover, or I wonder what it feels like to…

Experiential interest is that spark of curiosity. This approach yields the satisfaction that you are looking for. With the experiential approach, you must have patience. To some, it can feel wrong, like less of a rollercoaster. Without the excitement and turbulence, you may feel as if something is missing.

Why Do You Want a Girlfriend?

Stop here and answer this question: why do you want a girlfriend or the relationship you’re currently in? 

If your brain automatically says things like:

• I don’t want to be alone
• I want companionship
• I’m sick of being made fun of for being single
• My parents and friends are pressuring me
• I want to have children
• I want to lose my virginity

… then you’re working from instrumental interst.

What would change for you if you replaced these thoughts with different ones, like these:

• I’m curious
• I want pleasure
• I want to know what it feels like

These motivations are experiential.

A Mix of Both Motivators

It’s important to note that most people will have a mix of instrumental and experiential motivation for sex and relationships. Although instrumental motivators are tempting, they create pressure for those involved to perform because the experience is about reaching a goal, rather than being present in the moment. 

For example, if you’re in a relationship and it’s not working out, might there be pressure to remain for longer than you want because you want to get married? The pressure to produce something apart from the relationship is hindering the beauty of it. 

If having children is important to you, dig deeper into why you want to have kids. From the experiential approach you might think, ‘I want to have kids to share love’, ‘I want to discover what it’s like to help someone grow up’ or ‘I want to enjoy being present with my children’. Think about why you want to have children, rather than just knowing that you do. 

Take-Aways

Treating people as ends in themselves rather than as means to another end applies to so many other areas of life. Experiential motivation relieves pressure and worry. Set yourself free from the outcome to clear the path to fun, pleasure, connection, and joy, and make for richer sex life.