How to Stop Being an Incel

September 28, 2020

  minute READ

In the wake of several attacks by self-proclaimed “incels,” a portmanteau for involuntary celibates, Dr. Valeria and I decided to take a closer look at the concept of “sexual scarcity” or lack of sex, and the idea of the right to sex or, as some would call it, sexual entitlement.

Sexual frustration and shame, as well as feelings of loneliness and rejection, have all been cited by the attackers as motivations for their actions. All of these emotions are very real, affect many of us, and need to be addressed. Not only could this prevent similar tragic attacks from happening in the future, but addressing these issues could alleviate the suffering that many of us endure because of a mindset of sexual scarcity.

In this episode, we took it upon ourselves to try and uncover where a mindset of sexual scarcity might come from, how it can affect our intimate relationships, sexual satisfaction and self-image, and how to positively address the feelings lurking behind it.

Tune in to Episode 92 of the Get Sex Smart podcast to learn:

  • our take on the concept of sexual scarcity and hear our interrogation of some of the arguments around it;
  • the very real impact of power imbalances and privilege on our dating lives and how to deal with it;
  • why this mindset is dehumanizing and disempowering to both ourselves and our sexual partners and how it can affect our self-worth;
  • how the way we raise boys is connected to it;
  • how to take the first step to get out of this mindset and why it takes strength and courage to do so;
  • why sex workers are not a solution to this issue.

Amia Srinivasan’s essay in London Review of Books: https://www.lrb.co.uk/v40/n06/amia-srinivasan/does-anyone-have-the-right-to-sex

About the Author

Sarah Martin, MA, CSC is CEO of Dignified Hedonist, a sexuality support company that guides introverted men to lead desire-led, sex-forward, and pleasure-focused lives. Sarah is the host of the Sexual Craftsmanship podcast, a weekly podcast packed full of actionable information and advice for sex and relationships in the 21st century. Sarah loves rainbows, books, and Pokemon Go.

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