It’s Important to Make the Ask

Asking for what you want doesn’t only apply to the bedroom. Being open about your desires will serve you everyday of your life.

When you don’t expect others to read your mind, you become more empowered to take action.

People experience things differently, so clarity is key. 

Voicing your desires is an important skill if you want a sex life that is full of pleasure, fun, and joy! 

What Holds You Back? 

Fear. 

Somewhere along the way, you started to worry about asking for what you want. Your fear can have biological roots, but more often it’s part of a larger structure that relies on you continuing to be afraid. 

Maybe you’re afraid of rocking the boat. You might be anxious about coming across as too aggressive or creepy. You might think you’re being too much, or not being enough… good enough, man enough, attractive enough.

You might have imposter syndrome.

Or, the granddaddy of them all – you might feel ashamed of your desires.

The antidote is to feel your fear and make it a habit to regularly ask for what you want regardless.

The more you use your ask muscle, the easier asking becomes. Just like with training other muscles, enlisting support and having a form to follow with accelerate how quickly you get to easy.

The AAA Approach

One way you can support yourself in asking for what you want is by making use of the approach.

First, become Aware of your desire. Many people struggle to notice desire, or to understand exactly what they are desiring. By getting clear about your desire, you make it easier to ask for what you want.

Next, become comfortable and Accept any potential outcome of what you will ask. Spend time playing out each answer in your mind and notice what comes up.

Finally, once you’ve found a place where you are okay with a yes or a no, you’re ready to take Action and make the ask!

It’s important to shorten the time between awareness and the ask as much as possible because the more you put off asking, the worse your fears will become. Hanging out in that zone before asking is also part of what gives rise to the friendzone. 

A B C, it’s easy as 1 2 3! 

Another useful tool to support asking for what you want is the ABC method:

• Asking
• Boundaries
• Clarity

Ask often, for things large and small, and receive the answer you’re given. Ask to ask!

Include boundaries in your request – if in doubt, you can always set time boundaries. Give the other person permission to say no.

Bring clarity when asking for what you want. When you leave information out, you are leaving yourself an out and your full intent is not clear. This is called plausible deniability and it will get in the way of you having the experiences you desire.

For example, say you ask your coworker, who you’re interested in dating, to meet up to talk about a work project when you’d actually like to ask them on a date. Your intent isn’t clear and they’d be forgiven for thinking you actually just want to talk about next steps for the project team.

Dutch Pandemic Sex Buddies

Back in May 2020, the government in the Netherlands recommended that single people find a ‘sex buddy’ to ride out the pandemic with.

Let’s say you’re interested in forming a Dutch Pandemic Sex Buddy relationship. Here’s how you’d use the ABC method to structure your ask:

I’ve had an interesting idea – can I share it? (<- asking)

[IF YES] Would you be interested in being pandemic sex buddies / cuddle buddies? That could look like first discussing our needs and risk profiles and, if they’re compatible, having fun together! If yes, great, and if no, no worries! (<- clarity)

[IF YES] Awesome! I’m free tomorrow evening from 18:00 – 20:00, would that time work for you to hop on Zoom and explore this further? (<- boundaries)

Take Aways

Making the ask is critical if you’re interested in having the experiences you want. Learning to ask audaciously will bring more ease, calm, confidence, orgasms, flow, safety, and trust in your life.

Your transformation begins after self-awareness of your desires. Self-awareness leads self-acceptance and acceptance of yes and no. Self-acceptance is your catalyst for courageous living and courageous asking. 

The more you voice your desires, the more you give those around you permission to do the same. Go forth and ask for what you want.