Do you feel ‘hopelessly single’?
Have you been trying to think and strategize your way into a relationship, secretly worried that no one will accept the real you?
Here’s the problem – if you’re overthinking, over strategizing, and focusing on doing all of “the right things”, no one will ever accept the real you.
Because you never give them the chance to do so.
The world is full of people – dating coaches, pickup artists, tantra teachers, columnists in glossy magazines – who make it their mission to convince you that the reason you’re single is because you lack something.
Heard any of this before?
You’re not dominant enough
You’re not masculine enough
You’re not feminine enough
You don’t understand how men think
You don’t understand how women think
You’re too fat, thin, short, tall, weak, muscular
After knocking your self-esteem, these self-same people say, “But ah-ha! I have the magic elixir! Let me show you how to compensate for your abject failings!”
These assholes neg you.
And, you’re human. Relationships and sexuality are some of the most vulnerable parts of your life. You might believe these assholes. It’s pretty normal if you do.
So you think to yourself – at last! If I just follow the formula, if I learn the lines and the patterns, if I become masterful at psychoanalyzing, if I wear the right clothes and do the right things to demonstrate my value, then I will be loved.
You’re itching for an A+ on this test. You’re a good student. You go to work. Then one of two things happen:
It “works” in so far as you’re having more sex or going on more dates, but something is off. You’re getting all the things you said you wanted but happiness is fleeting. You constantly need more to feel validated.
It doesn’t work. You don’t go on dates, you don’t have sex, or you feel like you’re living a groundhog day of the same type of bad partner over and over again. You feel like you failed, or you’re just too flawed for this to work for you.
Can you see that this system is rigged? No one wins – not you, not any of your potential partners.
It is destined to fail because the whole premise is fundamentally flawed. You will never find the relationships you deeply desire if your approach to dating centers on compensating for perceived flaws.
The truth is way simpler:
To find pleasure, fulfillment, and delight in your relationships, you need to be okay with being yourself.
If you dream of living in a thriving polyamorous constellation, you need to be clear that you’re polyamorous.
If the relationship you deeply desire includes elements of BDSM and kink, you need to say that you’re kinky.
If you don’t want to date COVID deniers or Trump supporters, make it clear that COVID is real and Trump is a fascist.
If the best date you can imagine is where you eat pizza, play counterstrike for 2 hours, and then have sex, don’t say that you want to take long walks on the beach.
Look, I said it was simple. That doesn’t make it easy. At least not at first. There’s always a learning curve when you try something new. Showing up fully as yourself might feel risky. You might wonder – “won’t this just eliminate everyone from my dating pool?” Oh yeah. It will eliminate A LOT of people. It will eliminate exactly the right people – those that would never accept the real you.
What does that leave behind? Just the people who are right for you.