Two Questions that Govern Your Sexual Fate

September 20, 2019

  minute rEAD

The way you show up has a tremendous impact on your relationship life.

People learn about you on the basis of how you show up in the world. Folks can tell almost immediately if you care about yourself or not, and they’re more likely to care about you if you care about yourself.

To figure out how you’re showing up, start by looking at the question you ask yourself when you interact with others socially.

Most of the time, it’ll be one of two questions:

Am I normal?


What do I want?

The question you bring to social interaction is the question you likely to bring to sexual interactions, too.

This IS normal. Most humans ask these two questions at different points depending on social and relational context.

That said, these two questions are at the core of confidence as perceived by others, because these questions underly a whole host of motivations that guide behaviour.

Am I Normal?

When you ask “Am I Normal?”, you’re concerned about fitting in, not making mistakes, and meeting a perceived external standard.

What’s the logical conclusion of this question? If you’re focused on being normal and on how to make others desire you, what kind of results can be expected?

Think about it. When you constantly target adherence to the average, the likelihood you’ll find partners who are a good fit for you as an individual is much lower.

What’s more, if you start a relationship of any sort with this question, guess what?

Am I Normal?” will remain actively in mind. How a relationship starts out is one of the better predictors of how it will look down the road.

When you try to fit in, and you attract someone doing the same, you both miss out on the opportunity to express yourselves within the relationship, be that for one night or long-term.

Sex is not a magic bullet that will suddenly melt away worries about normalcy if that is the principle question you show up with.

What Do I Want?

On the other hand, when you ask “What Do I Want”, you’re concerned with doing things that help you feel good, comfortable, and calm.

People who show up asking what do I want (to take care of myself) are compelling, attractive people.

When you live with ‘What Do I Want’ as your guiding question, you are a powerful person. The answer depends on you alone, rather than on the opinion of others.

To have ‘what do I want’ as your default question when interacting with other people, you have to decide that you really matter: you are an important person and it’s important you feel happy about the choices you make.

What Do I Want?” is a question of self-awareness and true courage, because it means understanding what you want won’t always be what others want, and that’s ok.

When you ask for what you want, you show yourself you are worthy because your desire matters. When they say no, just like when you do, they are showing themselves that they are worthy, too.

I cannot emphasize enough how sexy it is when a man is able to state what he desires coupled together with the complete acceptance for no as an answer.

This is true vulnerability, and within true vulnerability lies immense power. The great news is that this power is accessible to you, starting now.

About the Author

Sarah Martin, MA, CSC is CEO of Dignified Hedonist, a sexuality support company that guides introverted men to lead desire-led, sex-forward, and pleasure-focused lives. Sarah is the host of the Sexual Craftsmanship podcast, a weekly podcast packed full of actionable information and advice for sex and relationships in the 21st century. Sarah loves rainbows, books, and Pokemon Go.

Quite Possibly the Best Newsletter Ever

Want to be part of the inner circle? If you enjoyed Two Questions that Govern Your Sexual Fate, friend, come join us on the inside by signing up below.