In the beginning of time, when humans were first created, they had a form different to that they have today. 

They were both man and woman, had four arms, four legs and a single head made of two faces. 

Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.

Over 2000 years ago, this is the myth Ancient Greeks were telling about soulmates.

My controversial take? It was dangerous bullshit then, and it remains dangerous bullshit now.

The idea that we remain somehow incomplete without finding our one and only destined partner is everywhere.

Soulmates, twin flames, the other half, the one - often time, we dub these notions romantic and nod along politely when someone’s eyes glass over as they talk about all of the hopes, dreams, and expectations they are pinning on the mythical one they will meet some day.

You find these narratives strewn throughout culture, media, and in the stories we tell each other about our private lives. 

For a belief like this to catch fire and take hold among so many people, it must be tapping into something profound within the collective zeitgeist. For a lot of people, maybe even the majority of people, something about the idea of a one out there just for you is deeply appealing.

The main reason for this as I see it is anything but romantic: so many people yearn to find the one because they feel incomplete. 

For some, maybe it’s a gnawing feeling that, on their own, they’re not really worthy, but if they could just find the one, they would feel whole. For others, maybe within their culture you’re not considered an adult until you are married, and finding the one will mean finally being taken seriously. For others still, their spiritual hunger drives them toward this idea of a deep and enduring connection that follows them through many lives, and if they can just find their twin flame, they will get to experience the transcendence of timelessness.

Regardless of the context, the same fundamental idea is present - that, on your own, you are lacking something essential. Finding that cosmically ordained other becomes a matter of urgent priority.

The stakes feel incredibly high. There can be tremendous pressure.

I’m about to say something controversial. Know that I share it with you with the intention of love and your highest good:

There is nothing romantic about searching for a soulmate. When you do so, you are  carrying around a gaping need in your own soul to find something that doesn’t actually exist. 

This mindset sets you up for failure and disappointment.

It is unfair to you, and it is unfair to any of your potential partners.

What’s more, when you dedicate your time, energy, and intention to searching for a soulmate, you breathe life into fascism.

That might sound a bit much. You might be thinking, “Sarah, really? People looking for soulmates are fascists?”No - I didn’t say that lol. I said questing for your soulmate or twin flame or other half breathes life into fascism. The reason why is because it isolates you.

Your quest for a soulmate, in the long run, will deprive you of the connection you so deeply desire.

If you believe there is only one other out there who is your perfect match, one ordained by God or the universe to be your companion and partner, and your mission is to find them, your relationships are most likely to be an exercise in perpetual satisfaction.

You begin pedestalizing your vision of what it will be like to be with this person. You may spend a lot of time imagining how it will be to finally feel complete, to be made whole through love. 

This results in you investing a lot of emotional energy into a relationship that doesn’t actually exist outside of your imagination. 

It becomes very hard for any real human in the world to live up to this idolized vision.

The soulmate myth is responsible for a lot of toxic dating behaviors. The idea of the other half can be used to justify those horrible laundry lists some people put in their dating profiles about what a potential partner must have. 

Belief in the One suddenly makes relationship longevity the marker of ‘success.’ If someone really is the One, then you’ll be together until one of you dies, right? How could it be any other way if soulmates are real?

This thinking makes you vulnerable to poor or abusive treatment from partners. If you’ve invested emotionally and energetically in someone being The One, it makes it hard for you to leave relationships.

On the whole, believing in soulmates, other halves, twin flames, or Ones is fundamentally disempowering. It puts you on the backfoot from the very beginning.

When you are told that your true and total emotional and sexual fulfillment lies outside of you, in the person of another, without whom you will remain perpetually incomplete, what incentive is there for you to focus inward? To learn what you truly want and desire? 

Say nothing of how intersecting power hierarchies have wrapped their tendrils around and throughout the idea of the One. The soulmate myth conveniently benefits sexism, white supremacy, racism, imperialism, ableism, and classism.

Additionally, twin flame narratives tend to be homophobic and mononormative. Overall, these beliefs are inherently exclusionary, not only in terms of excluding literally all of humanity apart from your “one,” but it also ignores the extraordinary diversity of relationship styles and sexual expression.

I understand why the idea of a soulmate is appealing in the often bleak and difficult world we live in. For those of us who have experienced bullying, abuse, or trauma, the idea that we can heal the hole in our hearts if we only find our person is comforting, in a way. 

It gives us an explanation for why we feel incomplete and action to focus on.

As the idea of other halves is so widely held and so visible in society and culture, it feels comfortable, like we are participating in something that is a normal part of life, a common quest in an age where we have lost so many socially unifying experiences.

And still, if what you yearn for is deep connection, sexual liberation, and pleasure, you will struggle to experience these shifts if you hold on to the idea of a soulmate, especially so if you continue to believe that you are incomplete without one.

One of the most powerful ways you can transform your experience of dating, sex, and relationships is by committing to come to your relationships as a whole human being - already complete, without any expectation that your partner will fill a void.

This shift relieves a tremendous amount of pressure that you may not even notice you are placing on yourself and your partners.

Shifting your self-expectation to one of wholeness means you come to expect wholeness in your partners. You no longer put pressure on yourself to complete them, or vice versa.

Only partners who come together in wholeness are able to experience true collaboration. A partnership forged in wholeness allows for a blossoming of connection and pleasure. It allows for the intimacy of truly knowing each other, of being seen and seeing.

Wholeness promotes autonomy and true choice. Only when you don’t believe a partner is necessary to complete you can you truly choose to participate in that relationship with a sense of freedom rather than obligation.

Coming to the realization of your inherent, birth-right wholeness is especially necessary if you want to have a good experience of non-monogamy. Ditto if you want to have deeply connected and enriching casual sexual relationships.

If you’ve ever tried either of these experiences and were left feeling an emotional wreck without really understanding why? The soulmate myth and everything that comes with it could be behind that.

Fascism can only benefit when you willingly choose to deny your wholeness and when you cede your power for a full life experience to an unnamed, non-existent other who is somewhere out there, outside of you.

Fascism thrives when we get locked into unsatisfying relationships that drain our energy. How are you going to fight back against injustice when you barely have the energy to make it through each day?

Fascism thrives when you’re kept in a state of perpetual, perceived lack and threat

When you reject the soulmate myth and instead choose to come to your relationships in wholeness, you transform not only your own experiences. It doesn’t stop with you.

It can’t.

Because one you have learned to see your own wholeness, you cannot help but to see it in others. It’s another way Slutty Activism literally changes the world, how you change the world, by becoming an uncommonly good lover.

And most people are not used to being looked at as whole, not in the realm of dating and ESPECIALLY not in the realm of casual sex.

You will make the sex landscape of your city better just by value of participating in it.

When you recognize the inherent wholeness of self and others, navigating the dynamic conversation of consent suddenly becomes a whole lot easier without you really needing to try. Wholeness inevitably lends itself to autonomy, and sexual autonomy is the stuff great consent practice is made out of.

Pretty soon, you won’t just be naturally honoring the autonomy of your sexual partners.You’ll start doing this to everyone - to the cashiers at the shop and to family members at gatherings. You’ll have a whole new awareness of when they may not be speaking up for themselves and you’ll find yourself making space for them to do so.

Wholeness is an intrinsic and necessary part of living with dignity. When you decide to honor human wholeness, you become a light in the darkness. You illuminate others by seeing the wholeness in them, too.

Come join me?