These Questions About Dignified Hedonism May Actually Surprise You

February 17, 2021

  minute READ

Has learning about Dignified Hedonism piqued your curiosity? Maybe you have more questions than answers. You’re in luck – you can listen in to a Q&A about the Dignified Hedonist framework. Perhaps some of your questions will be covered here with additional clarity. If not, you can go ahead and ask!

Is Asking Audaciously a numbers game? 

It can be, however, it’s more about coming to awareness of your desire and taking action soon after, as well as coming to a place of acceptance of yes or no before you ask. If you can’t get to a place where ‘no’ is okay, then it’s not a good idea to ask the question in the first place. Assuming you can get there, it’s about making an ask with boundaries in clarity. Asking Audaciously isn’t about white-knuckling your way through asks, it’s about empowering yourself as an asker.

Is dating worth it when you run the risk of hurting someone?

In the short, yes. With this framework, your aim is to break out of the dominance or self-sacrificing paradigm. With desire leading you, the way forward is simpler and less exhausting, but more vulnerable. Showing up with the question ‘what do I want’ and being open about it is more fruitful than an attitude of ‘you have to accept what I want’.

Landing with ‘here is what I want, and I’m curious to know what you want’ removes some of the risks of mismatched expectations and assumptions. The “head stuff,” the overthinking and trying to calculate your next move, is really counterproductive. Also, your desires will shift and change, so developing the practice of tuning into desire and communicating it will serve you even as you change over time.

On the red, yellow, and green color scale, is red negative and green positive?

It’s less about good or bad, more about where behaviors may have slowed your progress to getting where you want to go. Let your freak flag fly, but don’t let it get in your way. In general, the red statements stop people from moving forward. The yellow statements show some movement, but slow movement. The green statements are where, very commonly, you’re moved by your desire and not external pressures. There is no moral judgment, but if this is where you are and this is where you want to be, the framework can help in understanding how to get you there.

What to do if you feel too dominant in your relationship and how being led by desire empowers others to do the same?

If you like being the center of attention and speaking about yourself, your interests, and what excites you, but it is making you feel too ‘dominant,’ it’s important to return to desire and communication.

If it’s coming from a place of desire, desiring to be lavished with attention, then that is okay. It’s the difference between coming from a place of wanting to receive a lot of attention as opposed to saying ‘this is what I want and you must be this way’.

The expectation to do so is where things can get dicey. Without the expectation and simply stating your desires you start to model behaviors, even if imperfectly, that will give your partner permission to also show up imperfectly and share about what they want, too.

About the Author

Sarah Martin, MA, CSC is CEO of Dignified Hedonist, a sexuality support company that guides introverted men to lead desire-led, sex-forward, and pleasure-focused lives. Sarah is the host of the Sexual Craftsmanship podcast, a weekly podcast packed full of actionable information and advice for sex and relationships in the 21st century. Sarah loves rainbows, books, and Pokemon Go.

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