The Two Things That Will Make You Sexually Free

February 14, 2021

  minute READ

Create Your Sexual Freedom Using These Two Things

The world is chock-full of terrible advice on sex and relationships. A lot of garbage advice overfocuses on gender roles, puts you under pressure, and shoulds all over you. To be frank, none of us like being trapped in this cage, but many of us just go about our days assuming this is just the way of the world. This is how it is.

But not you, not anymore. You value your sexual freedom and aren’t prepared to tolerate a life of sexual mediocrity. No more Olive Garden sex life. Let’s go to Tuscany and experience the sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and the feeling of the real deal instead, figuratively speaking.

How?

By combining dignity with hedonism. By becoming a Dignified Hedonist.

What is Dignified Hedonism?

It’s easy enough to say Dignified Hedonism. There’s a catchy ring to it. But what does it actually mean?

Dignified Hedonism is a desire-led, sex-forward, pleasure-focused approach to sex and relationships of all kinds, from casual encounters to long-term, death-do-you-part monogamous marriages. Dignified Hedonism will serve you in building the sex life of your dreams regardless of your gender, sexual orientation, whether you’re kinky or not, whether you’ve had hundreds of sexual partners or none.

Here’s the rub – Dignified Hedonism only works if you want sex, if you deeply desire and crave sexual joy and fulfillment. If you think we all should be behaving like puritans, or that sex is some how base, sinful, evil, wrong, etc. etc., then Dignified Hedonism isn’t for you.

If you’re still reading: welcome! You’re in the right place. You’re about to learn what you’ve been searching all over the internet to find.

So, getting right down to it, Dignified Hedonism, when practiced consistently, delivers these 3 things:

Autonomy: The sense that you are in control of your sex life. You drive your experience rather than having it dictated by others.
Confidence: The sense that you know what you are doing, and that you will be okay.
Calm: The sense that sex is a really normal part of life, that you can talk about sex, that sex isn’t some big and unknowable thing.

Self-Assessment

So, where are you right now? How far along the path of Dignified Hedonism are you with the work you’ve already done?

Below, you will learn what goes into living a desire-led, sex-forward, and pleasure-focused life. Use the stoplight system and get radically honest about your current reality. Awareness is the first step to any meaningful change.

Desire-Led

First, to practice being led by desire, you need to Reset What You Expect.  You’ve previously been told a lot of myths, falsehoods, and limiting ideas about dating, sex and relationships. When you reset what you expect, you align your values, attitudes, and beliefs about sex with what you actually value rather than what you’ve been told to value. 

So, are you red, yellow, or green? Which of these statements resonates most with you right now?

Red: You notice yourself thinking in generalizations, like “men do this” and “women do that,” etc.
Yellow: You think less in generalizations, but you spend a lot of time thinking about what you should do in sex and relationships .
Green: You DGAF about what other people think or what society and culture tell you that you should do. 

Next up, it’s time to Define Your Desires. You might have grown up with the idea that what you want isn’t important and that it’s more important to focus on making other people happy. When you define your desires, you discover what you want in practical terms and allow those desires to lead and motivate you. 

Are you red, yellow, or green? Which of these statements seems the most like you right now?

Red: You can easily say what you don’t want, but you don’t know what you do want.
Yellow: You have a general idea of what you want – a girlfriend, sex, etc., or you phrase what you want in the negative – ‘I want to stop x, y, and z.’
Green: You can directly name your desires in detail.

Finally, you round out your desire-led life when you Shift Your Thinking. If you’re like the average person in our culture, you externalize power in your relationships and may find yourself concerned with fitting in. You might spend a lot of time wondering if you are normal. When you shift your thinking, you change your mindset to internalize power and focus on what makes you feel good in your relationships.

Let’s see where you are with this one. Which of these statements resonates most with you right now?

Red: In social situations, you worry if you’re normal or if you’ll fit in to the group.
Yellow: In social situations, you feel at ease around those you know and trust, but unease when around those less well known to you.
Green: In social situations, you check in with yourself about what you want and leave when you feel ready. You feel no pressure to please others.

Sex-Forward

To become more sex-forward in your dating and relationships interactions, the first step is to Increase Your Odds. We all grew up in a sex negative society where there wasn’t much focus on how to communicate sexual desire in a dignified way. If you experienced bullying, a lack of social skill building, social isolation, or if you have a non-neurotypical brain, the challenge is that much greater. You substantially increase your odds of having the relationships you want by building communication skills while simultaneously taking action in sex and relationships.

To gauge your current progress, check with of the statements below sounds most like you right now.

Red: You struggle to make eye contact and don’t know when to join in to conversations. You overthink text messages, think body language is a mystery, have anxiety around touch, and think flirting is confusing. 
Yellow: You’ve learned some pickup conversation patterns or touch escalation tactics, but you’re still nervous about anything off-script. 
Green: You communicate confidently and flow with written, verbal, body language, and touch communication. You feel confident and clear in your self-expression. 

Next up, it’s time to put those well-honed communication skills to work and Ask Audaciously. A lot of people struggle to ask for what they want in sex and relationships, often because they just don’t know how … maybe that’s you, too. To ask audaciously, you first have to get to a place where you are okay with hearing yes or no, where you know you will be okay regardless of the outcome.

This one is tricky for a lot of people. Which of these statements sounds the most like you?

Red: You’ve had a crush on someone for a long time but can’t ask them out, or you want to try things with a partner, but can’t figure out how to bring it up
Yellow: You can find the courage to ask, but hearing no isn’t comfortable at all. After hearing no you feel even less confident
Green: You are confident asking for what you want and you do so regularly, not only that but you are happy to hear no

Finally, you round out a sex-forward skill set when you Boost Your Boundaries. Maybe you’ve been taken advantage of by others throughout your life. Or, you’ve been pushed to do things you don’t want to and worry about becoming a doormat in relationships. The answer is to boost your boundaries by learning to identify your limits and master setting and holding a standard for how you will accept being treated.

How’s it going on the boundary front? Which of these sounds most like you?

Red: You worry about being in a relationship where someone takes without giving. You may be worried about or have experienced infidelity and it’s negatively affected your view of relationships. 
Yellow: Boundaries are still a new concept, but you’ve learned some ways to cope if you think you’re being taken advantage of, usually through avoidance (silence, sidestepping, or leaving). 
Green: You don’t worry about being taken advantage of because, if someone tries, you know what to do, or you would never get there because you would have weeded out those folks already.

Pleasure-Focused

To put pleasure at the heart of your sex and relationships experiences, it all begins when you choose to Date Yourself. It’s no surprise if  you doubt someone will desire you, even though you deeply want to be desired – most people feel this way. The trick is that you must cultivate desire for yourself if you ever want to trust the desire you receive from others.

Here’s how to gauge where you are right now when it comes to dating yourself. Which of these seems most like you?

Red: You struggle to imagine having sex with someone because you don’t think people see you sexually, or you worry about your partner’s  past partners or that your partner will cheat on you. 
Yellow: You believe your partner will desire you only if you are perfect or if you do the right things. 
Green: You know you are desirable and you don’t worry about it. You treat yourself well and make time for things you enjoy. Your partner desiring you is just icing on the cake, and not essential to how you see yourself. 

Next up, to get ready to receive lots of delight in your life, you need to Prime for Pleasure. Most people grew up receiving a fear and stereotype-based education about dating, sex, and relationships. The antidote is to learn how human bodies are primed for pleasure and make this the basis for sexual expression. 

What your current degree of pleasure intelligence? Take a look and see which of these resonates most.

Red: Your sexual education came from porn or things you’ve learned from peers. You worry about your penis or breast size, if you are masculine or feminine enough, or if you’re dominant or beautiful enough. You’re worried about being seen as inexperienced, or as too experienced. 
Yellow: You’ve read a couple of good books, listened to podcasts, or watched YoutTube videos by sex educators. You have an idea of what makes for good sex but are unsure about why things work, or what to do if someone says they don’t work. 
Green: You are flexible, adaptable, and confident in your ability to experience pleasure and share pleasure with others. You know how the body is innervated and how to communicate about safer sex. You probably have a collection of good lubes and sex toys. 

Finally, there is no limit to the pleasure you can experience when you learn to Savor Your Sensuality. If you’re feeling disconnected from or resentful of your body, that’s going to limit your pleasure. The solution is to experience pleasure fully by connecting with all five of your senses. 

For a sense of your current sensuality, take a gander and see which of these statements sounds most like you.

Red: You sometimes think your body is a cancer on your brain, or you feel let down by your body. You are worried about size, weight, hair, etc. You may hate dancing and touch because it feels awkward. 
Yellow: You may have done something, like taken dance classes or attended a tantric festival, which has made a difference in your relationship with your body. Still, you don’t know how to bring that magic into everyday life. 
Green: Your sensuality is as natural as breathing air or drinking water. You are present in your body and can tap into sensual pleasure at any time

Take-Aways

This self-assessment helps you to spot your existing strengths and to understand where to focus for ongoing personal development as a Dignified Hedonist. Take a look back over your answers – did you have mostly reds, yellows, or greens? Were you solid greens in some areas, and bright red in others? This is valuable insight.

Remember, you don’t need to wait until you are perfect to get started creating the sex life you desire. Move forward with what is already strong and working for you now. And, if you were full red everywhere? Now you know what you need to make progress. It’s possible to start full red everywhere and change that completely.

You don’t have to do this alone. Support is available to accelerate the time it takes to move you from where you are now, to where you want to be.

About the Author

Sarah Martin, MA, CSC is CEO of Dignified Hedonist, a sexuality support company that guides introverted men to lead desire-led, sex-forward, and pleasure-focused lives. Sarah is the host of the Sexual Craftsmanship podcast, a weekly podcast packed full of actionable information and advice for sex and relationships in the 21st century. Sarah loves rainbows, books, and Pokemon Go.

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