What Is Confidence?

Have you ever caught yourself imagining that, if you were only more confident with women, you’d feel so much better? You might reckon that you’d be happier and more at ease. Or maybe you have a whole list of things you’d do, if only you were more confident with people in general.

It’s tempting to focus on confidence, given the people we know that experience genuine happiness all seem to have it.

The thing is, you don’t really want to know how you can be more confident when you type “how to be more confident with women” into Google late at night.

What you really want to know is how you can be less afraid of rejection.

Let’s face it – rejection hurts.

Rejection is a normal part of life, and it’s normal to feel disappointment and sadness when you  face rejection.

Asking for anything you want is inherently vulnerable, provided you’re giving voice to your true desires and the person you ask it to is empowered to answer truthfully, because the other person can always say no.

But, there’s another way to look at the reality of rejection and its role in confidence. Instead of fearing rejection, you can invest your energy in getting to a place where you’re equally happy to hear yes or no.

While you don’t control whether or not someone rejects you, you do control your response when that happens. 

The state of being okay with whatever answer you receive is called outcome independence. Outcome independence is at the root of confidence.

Becoming Powerful and Empowered

The more you cultivate the ability to be equally happy with a yes or a no to any question, the more powerful and empowered you become.

Outcome independence allows you to speak up for your wants and desires. Speaking up for your wants and desires demonstrates courage when you understand you won’t always receive a yes and you choose to do it anyway.

For avoidance of doubt, the fear of rejection and the tinge of disappointment you feel when you receive a never go away completely.

Instead, with time, you prove to yourself that you’re able to survive the fear and disappointment, and so they affect you less.

This is why vulnerability is sexy: because it requires courage.